Prior to joining the National Center for Fathering, I worked in various capacities with students on three college and university campuses. During that time, I noticed two common struggles that should be meaningful for all fathers of young adults: One, students of all backgrounds experienced some growth anxiety and uncertainty about their future. Second, many students did not get the support they desperately needed from their fathers.

That should be a challenge to you as a father-and to me, since my oldest son is a freshman in college.

College was once a period of transition to somewhere. Today, for many students, it is a transition from somewhere. They may be so preoccupied with family issues that they can’t concentrate on preparing for their future. So they act out their frustrations through drug abuse, binge drinking, reckless sexuality, hate crimes, destroying university property, fights, and other inappropriate behaviors.

Conversely, the students who did adjust well, excel in their studies, and go on to phenomenal jobs or graduate schools usually came from solid homes with involved mothers and fathers. These kids were secure, positive, and focused. There were exceptions, but I was astounded at how often the students who struggled came from difficult home situations.

One girl went to a fraternity party, where she had two cups of grape punch-unaware that it was spiked with grain alcohol. She passed out and was later raped. She got pregnant with twins and never told anyone, not even her parents. She became so anxious that she miscarried one of the twins. When I asked why she hadn’t called her parents, she replied, “My dad would be so angry at me!”

I remember the boy who attempted suicide because he wasn’t happy studying to become an engineer-his father’s profession. He couldn’t tell his father, so I called them both in for a conference. Even in my office, the father was controlling, unrelenting, and insensitive: “Since I’m the one paying for your education, you’ll do what I want.”

Finally, there was the girl who had worked so hard to graduate, only to have her big day ruined because her divorced parents couldn’t put aside their issues and get along for a few hours. She had to rush between two graduation parties, wearing a smile she did not feel.

This generation of students and college-age adults need us like perhaps no other. So many of them feel misunderstood, unaccepted and alone. As fathers, we can still be a positive force in our children’s lives. I have three suggestions on how to go about it:

1. Affirm them. A young adult has a deep need to feel loved, competent, and accepted. She also needs a sense of control over her life as she finds her place in a diverse, complex, and swiftly changing global community.

Ideally, her father would help build that into her throughout her childhood. But even if he didn’t, he can still be a help to her by offering encouraging words. Too many young adults have the words, “You’ll never amount to anything” ringing in their ears. They need their father to tell them he’s proud of the place they’re making for themselves in the world.

2. Be willing to talk through painful issues. Maybe you have been insensitive, uncaring and disengaged from your child in the past. Even if you are doing better now, he still may need to resolve some anger or bitterness toward you. It will be tough, but stay focused on what’s best for your child. You both probably have some apologizing and forgiving to do. Stay in there-no matter what he says. Don’t get offended or give up. Your relationship will be much better-and your child will be much more at peace-after working through these issues.

3. Build a spiritual foundation. There are many spiritual beliefs floating around college campuses, and your student should not arrive without a firm handle on what he believes. Too many students, in an effort to satisfy their starving spirits, end up in cults or other inappropriate organizations. Give your kids a strong foundation before they leave home and encourage them to persevere once they’re out on their own.

For too many young people, facing the future is like walking into a dark tunnel. They don’t know how to get through it or what’s on the other side. Our children need our care, our sensitivity, our listening ear, and our unconditional love. Best of all, they just need to know that we are there for them.

I sat across the room from one of my college students.  We had just spent the last 30 minutes discussing his faith.  He was at a crossroads.  He had grown up in a good Christian home with good Christian parents.  He knew what he believed and was sure of his salvation, but something in his life was unsettling. 

It happened innocently enough.  Somewhere in being faithful in his church attendance he heard a sermon that told a slightly different message than what he was used too.  It wasn’t the main point of the sermon.  Most people may have not even heard what the pastor had said, but for this young man it was troubling.  It was different than what he had been taught.

What followed were the inevitable questions.  Was this pastor wrong?  Was my pastor back home wrong?  Somebody here must be teaching the wrong thing.  How do I know what is really right?  How do I know that everything I’ve ever believed is really right? BAM…that’s when it hit him.  His faith had been officially rocked and the seemingly insignificant comment had led this young man into my office questioning everything he believes.

The story above is not uncommon.  In fact, it is repeated more often than not in college students, especially in the lives of freshman.  I remember going through this exact stage as a freshman.  In fact, it is a main reason why I became a campus minister.

College is a time of independence, of growth, and of questioning everything.  For the student, it can be painful.  For parents, it can just down right scary.  Many college students will walk away from their faith in college never to return.  The student who comes into my office is not likely to fall away, but how do we reach the others?  How do we make sure that our student will not be a statistic? 

Below are some basic suggestions for parents and youth workers to do in equipping their high school students for the faith journey through college.

1)      Teach Them How To Grow Their Faith:  This may seem like an obvious step, but it is the basis by which they will either sink or swim.  You would be shocked at how many Christian students come to college not knowing how to grow their faith.  It is not enough just to tell them to have a quiet time and attend church.  We must teach them how to use the tools they are already equipped with to develop their faith.  How do we do this? 

2)      Ask Theological Questions About Their Faith:  Ask them about what they’ve learned in their quiet times.  Ask them what they thought of the pastor’s sermon.  Be willing to ask them some difficult questions concerning their faith.  Which leads us to the next step.

3)      Allow Them to Question Everything: Everything?  Yes, everything.  Why do we tithe?  Why do we go to church?  Why does God allow famine?  Is Jesus really the only way to heaven?  What does God really teach about….?   This is scary for parents and youth workers alike, but if we don’t allow them to question why we believe what we believe than their faith will never have depth.  The students that I see struggling the most have generally been taught not to question, just believe.  If God’s Word is the truth (which it is) than He will reveal Himself through the times of doubt.  Scared of what this may bring?   Good you’re ready for the fourth step.

4)      Allow Them to Walk WITH You in Your Faith Journey: Begin to take your relationship with your student from one of authority to one of an appropriate adult nature.  Allow yourself to have adult conversations with your student about faith.  Another one of the main reasons I’ve observed that students struggle is they feel like everyone else’s faith is so solid.  Share  your struggles your students.  Share how God has brought you through those struggles and grow together in your faith journey.  If you want them to discuss their faith in college with you, than you must establish this before they leave.  Which leads us to the final point.

5)      Encourage and Stay Involved, But Let Go:  The surest sign I will never see a student again is when the parent is obviously dragging their student to the BCM and says to their student in front of me something to the effect of “You WILL be involved here.”  College students will get involved where they want to get involved and when they want to get involved.  As people who care about them, we must encourage them to be involved without trying to micromanage their lives.  Believe in how you’ve taught them, pray, listen when they call, ask them good questions, and encourage them to get involved in campus ministry and a local church, but let them be adults.

If you are reading this article than undoubtedly you have someone you care about that is about to go away to college.  Know that God has a plan for them.  Be encouraged by the fact that no matter where they go there will be a local church that can invest in their lives.  As a campus ministry family we look forward to meeting your students and we do want you to bring them by…just don’t be offended when we talk to them more than you.  After all, we want them to know we care about them as well. 

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